A Touch of Divinity delivered by Birds ...

I have a most unusual story to share. Actually, it shouldn’t be unusual, but I suppose it is for our everyday human mind; the one that often plays small, doubts and runs at a hundred miles an hour, leaving no space for grace.

Two weeks ago, I sat down on my yoga mat, about to start my practice, when I suddenly heard a crash. A bird had flown into our lounge glass-sliding door. I ran out to see if it was okay, as sometimes birds flying into a glass window are just stunned, need a few moments to catch their breath and then fly off again. Sadly, this beautiful Emerald spotted wood-dove had broken its neck and died a few moments later. I felt really devastated as I have a special love for birds. I’m by no means a birder; my connection with birds is somewhat different.

About ten years back, I bought a set a of bird cards by Jane Toerien and Joyce van Dobben http://www.birdcards.net/about-us/. Over the years, I have had the most amazing communication and insights through these bird cards. Sometimes, when I am feeling stuck, I search for guidance from them, by picking a card and reading the message. Other times, I get the messages delivered by a bird that arrives in my space, sometimes more than once over a couple of days, to ensure that I notice it. I then look up the particular bird in the cards to see what the message is that it carries and what it could mean for me at that time. It has been quite profound and I have, slowly over the years, learnt to trust and listen to those messages. However, when this bird smashed into our window and died, I felt really awful and didn’t want a bird to have to end its life in order to deliver its particular message to me. I was really thrown by it. I looked up the Dove card and the message was all about creating harmony when something is out of balance or alignment in one’s life; peace and hope for the future; that the sound of doves cooing has a natural harmonising effect on people and that people will naturally gravitate towards a place where Dove sound predominates, in order to unwind. It didn’t totally resonate with me, however, it all unfolded the next day.

Lots of change has been happening in our lives these past few months and most days we manage to work through the uncertainty and stress with the tools we have (meditation, yoga, forest walks, ocean swims, sunshine, essential oils, debriefing, kinesiology, coaching) but there have been a few days in the last three months where I have felt completely overwhelmed and it feels like a domino effect where it just starts up and hurtles away and I don’t know how to stop it. It is very foreign to me and I do believe that peri-menopausal hormones are at play for sure.

So this particular Wednesday was one of those days and by the afternoon, I did not know quite what to do with myself. Mark made me a cup of tea and I had such a strong urge to go and drink it in the forest on the estate where we live. The Emerald spotted wood dove has a particular call (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0z_NVhBHjs) and as I stepped onto the boardwalk, it was the first bird sound that I heard. I was overcome with emotion thinking about the dove from the day before. I slowly moved to a spot on the board walk, stood and quietly sipped my tea. A few moments later, a bird flew onto a branch about twenty metres from me and from where I was standing, it looked like an Emerald spotted wood dove and I wondered if it would make its call so that I could confirm this. That is exactly what it did! As I listened to it, I remembered the message from the bird card, in particular, how the sound of doves can have a natural harmonising effect on people. I was blown away, as in that moment the penny dropped and I got the message. All I need to do when I feel this off balance and spun out, is to take a three minute walk into our beautiful forest, be quiet, listen to the doves and unwind from the spinning, chaotic feelings that sometimes take hold. I came out of that forest in absolute awe.

When I relayed what had happened to my dear friend Angela Deutschmann, who introduced me to the cards, I also realised that as much as I see and hear doves all the time, I would never have looked to my bird cards for the message that the dove carries. So by smashing into our window, that beautiful dove delivered what I needed to hear. I was deeply moved and deeply grateful. I still however, felt awful about it dying and felt that that had been unnecessary; it could have just hit the window, been dazed and moved on.

A few days later, I looked to a bird card for some guidance around my mom who had been in hospital. I picked the turkey card, which I haven’t picked in years, and it is all about gratitude and

thanks-giving. Low and behold, the sentence, “Death is not an issue in the bird kingdom” stood out clear as a bell. Again, another direct message, which was also in line with some personal growth work I have been sitting with, around what it means to fully embrace both the human and divine aspects of ourselves.

In the synchronicity of it all, that same week, Joe Dispenza posted this: “When we master our emotions, we master our creations.” We have been working with this in our meditations, and I felt like I had been gifted with a personal tool by that beautiful dove on how to do just that. I am eternally grateful and no longer look at or hear a dove calling, in the same way.

Then, to take it to all to another level, that Sunday, I went on a walking meditation in another forest, with my special friend Donna, who is just as in love with birds and trees as I am. We went to our usual starting point; a bench by a little stream in a small clearing in the forest. We started the meditation with our eyes closed and hands on our hearts. When the initial introduction of the meditation was over, I opened my eyes and looked at Donna who quietly pointed at a branch about 2 metres away. There, sitting, looking at us, was a beautiful Emerald spotted wood dove. It lingered for a bit, flew down to the stream, drank some water and then casually flew off. I was speechless. For the next little while of our walking meditation, I was literally awestruck and in complete reverence of what had just happened. It felt deeply sacred.

One of my most beloved quotes, by Roald Dahl is, “Those who don’t believe in magic, will never find it,” and these synchronicities, these moments of sacredness in the sometimes crazy, messy and beautiful world we live in, provide me with such wonder, magic and joy. It’s about believing in them, making the time and space for them in our hearts and trusting deeply.

Here is a poem by Mary Oliver that expresses this all so beautifully...

The World I Live In

I have refused to live

locked in the orderly house of

reasons and proofs.

the world I live in and believe in is wider than that. And anyway,

whats wrong with Maybe?

You wouldn’t believe what once or twice I have seen. I’ll just

tell you this:

only if there are angels in your head will you

ever, possibly, see one.

Those angels to me are the beautiful birds that grace us with their magnificence everyday. How blessed are we?

 

Labyrinth Gifts

I have had a few reminders of labyrinths in the last few days, the latest one during my morning meditation today, so I thought I would be brave and share a bit.  

But before, very briefly, the concept of a labyrinth dates back to about 2500 BC and is supposed to represent the shape of mother nature with the single access place reflecting the umbilical cord; giving birth to our soul. Unlike a maze where you can get lost and come to many a dead end, a labyrinth follows a pattern and so in removing choices in the path walked, the pattern allows for deep contemplation and opens up its walkers to their Divine inner wisdom.  

One of my most loved and sacred spaces that I was blessed enough to visit on numerous occasions, was the majestic labyrinth at Boondocks, near Barberton in Mpumalanga.  I went down a bit of a memory lane today with some melancholy and sadness as I would really love to visit and walk that labyrinth again.  It has an energy all of its own.  It is based on the classic medieval labyrinth in Charles Cathedral in France, which was built in 1204.  I have not been to the one in France and would one day really love to visit it.  I wonder if it will have the same effect on me as the one in Mpumalanga.  As I said, this labyrinth created by Stuart Jenson, who sadly passed away in 2016, is simply magical.  It lies under a magnificent canopy of trees, along a little stream and is frequented by exquisite forest birds and creatures and it also rests upon powerful ancient rocks which date back 3.5-billion years.  Stuart built it around the trees and as a result, the path is adapted, hence every now and again there is a beautiful bend that wasn’t in the original and a curve cradles a tree, allowing it to remain. This sacred space has helped me discover numerous insights and process many emotions in unique ways.  Some times I felt heavy and weighed down and at other times, I skipped and danced my whole way through the labyrinth, light as a feather.  I’ve walked it slowly and lain in the centre for what feels like hours, I’ve walked it alone, with close friends and with other retreaters.  Every time it has offered gifts, big and small.  Once, I could even smell the presence of my grandmother.  I was deeply moved.  Different areas seem to invite different reflections. It feels like the Divine is having a conversation with you through the labyrinth and all that surrounds it… the trees, the wind, the leaves, the birds, the stream, the stillness…  They all offer messages and reflections.  It is a deeply sacred space.

My whole family has been blessed to share in the majesty of this beautiful creation and I am very grateful for this.  It will always have a very special place in my heart.  Thank you Stuart, always for this gift.
The other message I received around labyrinths in the last few days is when I was pondering some of my patterning I have been working on for a long time and it still keeps cropping up in different ways.  I was feeling that I had surely dealt with this by now.  Then, I came across this paragraph in one of my readings from Angela Deutschmann (who introduced me to Boondocks, Ann Barr and Stuart Jenson.) It was perfect timing and I found it very comforting.   

“This is unquestionably your next step up. And it is also a next step up for a large group of people who have been steadily growing, steadily healing, steadily lifting out of shame and blame and victimhood.
There are natural steps along that road, you know. And you can’t rush them. And you can’t skip a few. Often the path, like a labyrinth, turns you back to where you think you’ve already been. Yes. The evolution of you is and will always be a mystery. You will never understand it completely. You are not meant to control it, or be in any way in charge of how and when and through what means your evolving occurs.  And you needn’t understand all of it or be in charge of your journey. There will always be unexpected events, both in your world and in yourself. And there will always be an invisible guiding hand underneath your path.”

I felt a deep sense of gratitude and it reminded me that being aware of our patterns is part of our unique journey of evolution.  

While the Boondocks labyrinth is no longer available for public visiting, I am finding huge joy, comfort, contemplation and Divine connection in the magnificent forests that surround us here on the North Coast.  They too, along with their charming creatures, convey beautiful messages of contemplation every time.  Even simply sitting in my garden in the morning sun and drinking a cup of tea invites these joyful moments. 

All we ever need to do is to is to face fully and tell the truth about where we are in each moment.

For Stuart's Memorial

A Moving Farewell

Just over a week ago, my cousin Daniel from The Netherlands, died after a two year long battle with stomach cancer.  His funeral was this past Wednesday and luckily with advanced technology we were able to watch it via a live-stream webcast.  Amazing!

The farewell was phenomenally moving and what blew me away was that he planned the entire proceedings to the very last detail.  I think it takes huge strength of character, at age 37, to face the reality of your impending death with such maturity.  The woman who conducted the farewell service had been his cancer support counselor and she led the service beautifully.  She read out his words and wishes with such passion, respect, understanding and love.  I was moved by how he and his long standing girlfriend Dominique made the decision, when they realised they could not surmount this wall of cancer they kept bumping into, that they would enjoy the fruits that were offered on this side of the wall and came to accept that the other side was just not meant for them. I think it takes a huge amount of maturity to work at that level of acceptance and to make the most of it. I also appreciated him sharing what his counselor had discussed with him around his and his family's anger.  She said that underneath their anger was a lot of deep grief and this resonates with what Brene Brown talks about when she says that anger is just a bodyguard for sadness.  I am hoping that with time my uncle can get passed his anger and allow himself to grieve deeply for his huge, devastating loss.

I was also amazed at how he had the service begin with a little mini-meditation where everyone was led to become aware of their in and out breath and then to find an image of him that they loved and then to welcome love and friendship into their hearts.  For my very traditional Dutch family, I thought that was wonderful and very brave.  But I guess when you are facing your imminent death, you drop the need to please and worry what others will think and you just become more and more real.

So here's to an amazing young man, my cousin Daniel.  It was a privilege to be present at his farewell service.  Thank you for sharing so much with us. May you rest in peace.

Myself, my cousin Sandra and Daniel on a trip to Cape Town 20 years ago

A Reflective Read

I recently finished reading "Walking Home" by Sonia Choquette.

It the story of her 34 day walk of the ancient 800km pilgrimage path across Spain; the Camino de Santiago.  I love traveling; I love Spain; I love walking; I love the idea of the Camino and I really enjoyed one of Sonia Choquette's books and so for me this was a definite read! 

I thoroughly enjoyed the book and loved how she wrote it in a diary format. Being a spiritual teacher and intuitive guide, her book is not just about her grueling journey but also a deeply inward reflection of where she was at in her life and how she got there.  She reflects on a number of her personal relationships and her behaviour and role in them.  While reading this, it inspired me to look at some of my relationships, especially one I find particularly challenging and whose company I was in at the time. It was a wonderful exercise for me and helped me to reflect on where I was at in this particular relationship and why my buttons were being pushed and that they could only really be buttons because they were my issues.  I went on daily walks along the beach and felt like I was doing a tiny little Camino walk myself everyday. It was wonderful.

I also really liked the option she chose of having 2 back packs and only carrying the smaller one with the other one being transported for her to her accommodation each night.  Also her accommodation was slightly upmarket from the pilgrims' albergues that most people traditionally stay in.  Initially my thoughts were along the lines of 'is that not cheating or opting for the easy route?' However, when I really sat with it, I realised that we don't need to be martyrs and that just doing the Camino itself requires huge guts and determination and everyone must find their own journey and work with what suits them best.  I had to laugh when she spoke about bumping into a busload of tourists who walked little stretches of the Camino and then hopped onto the bus that whisked them off to the next little stretch. Now to me that feels like cheating, but to some of those on the bus, it is probably what they can realistically manage and if that works for them, who am I to judge.

The Camino is on my bucket list and I am hoping to do it when my girls are a bit older and I can get away for such a long stretch of time.

If the Camino is something that interests you, I would definitely recommend reading it and if you enjoy Sonia Choquette's work, then it is lovely to get to know her a bit better.

Spirituality

I recently looked through my book, Sacred Circles, the other day and came upon this definition of Spirituality which really resonates with me.  

It says, "Spirit comes from the Latin spirare to breathe.  In essence, our spirit is what animates and quickens us, what makes us alive.  Spirituality, then, in our view, is the practice of staying consciously connected with what makes us alive, with our own selves, with one another, and with the Great Other."  

I also resonate with their thinking that "such 'definitions' are never to be settled on for long," because that is what it has been for me, a continuously evolving understanding of Divinity as I grow more and more into myself.

Finely Tuned 

Today I drew a one of my magical bird cards (by Jane Toerien and Joyce van Dobben) while preparing for my section of our upcoming retreat in October.  It was the Fairy-Bluebird which I have never drawn before, and I share below the the essence of that message. I was deeply touched as it confirmed for me exactly what our retreat is all about ...

"The overlighting consciousness of the Fairy-Bluebird is here to give you strength and encouragement as you make claim to your individuality and step into your true power – the power of one who has learnt the wisdom of ‘know thyself’. Know who you are and, especially, know who you are not.  This is true wisdom, to be finely tuned enough to know what does and does not honour your soul."

Stolen Time

My friend Anne, shared this article with us a few days ago and it really resonated with me, because it feels like that is exactly what I do with my life.  I seem to be like a firefly flitting here and doing a bit there and then flitting somewhere else and doing a bit there and then being drawn back here and doing some more here and so it goes on, and yet when I look at my to-do-list at the end of the week, there is a lot I have ticked off, including my writing, journaling and blogging and it all seems to happen in those magical stolen moments!

And as Anne said, "to remember that we are part of a long line of brave wonderful women..."

Enjoy ... Stolen Time

Truth ...

I have this gorgeous little book that I got from a dear friend of mine 

and on Tues in my circle group I randomly opened it up to this page and these were the words of wisdom that flowed out ...

 

Here's to the truth that shall set us free!  

Because only in being true to ourselves about who we really are and what we really want, will we be free to live the fullest and most magnificent version of ourselves.

A little bit of wisdom from Jim Morrison

Trees, Confucius and Journaling

Last week I went to a ceramic exhibition that a friend of mine held on her beautiful farm in among the sugar cane fields. Driving along the dirt road, I stopped to admire a gorgeous Natal Fig tree.  I absolutely love trees and to me there is a magic about them.

This particular tree always makes me slow down on the way to the farm because it is just so big and majestic. I quickly stopped to take some photos in between passing cars, hoping not to get covered in dust as cars drove by on the dirt road.  I managed to get a few nice shots. 

Later that week, when doing the Lisa Sonora Root Journaling, the focus that day was taken from the quote by Confucius 

"Cultivate the root; the leaves and branches will take care of themselves."  


The prompts made me think about the tree I had photographed earlier that week and I could resonate with the trunk of the tree. It feels like they represent my roots at the moment, or rather my very cluttered life! The branches are completely entwined and some even look like they are strangling each other. While I love the look of it in the tree, in my life, it feels like they need some thinning out and some space.  I have been wanting to de-clutter many things in my home for a very long time, from cupboards, to paperwork to 
furniture and a whole lot of crockery that has been sent my way!  I however have been resisting for as long as I can remember because it feels daunting and I would much rather be blogging.  So the message has become very clear indeed. I need to make some time for space.  Space in my home and also some space to breathe and just be.

"Spacious" is also one of my core desired feelings that I discovered while doing Danielle LaPorte's  Desire Map and I think it is time I honored that a bit more.

I am so grateful to how that majestic dust-covered tree and the Root Journaling prompt pulled that message together for me. 

Thank you.

Almost ...

"You look so calm and relaxed," I said to my friend Zoe as she sat casually on the tailgate of her car last Thursday afternoon.  Without hesitation, she replied, "that's because I swam with the dolphins this morning." 

"OMG!! No ways?! Wow!!" was my reply.  Even though I was in a bit of a rush, I had to hear about it.  Zoe is a real lover of the ocean and the beach and generally walks and meditates on the beach daily.  She also has a life guard qualification and even trains life guards. On that day, while on her walk, she spotted some dolphins far out beyond the breakers. She quickly put on her snorkel, mask and fins, and off she went (in her clothes having left her costume behind.) She said it was a hard twenty minute swim (and even the life guards on duty had said they wouldn't have gone out that far) but so worth it she said, as she got to play with them for about half an hour.  I was totally in awe.  While this is not uncommon for Zoe; she has gone out to swim with dolphins many times over the years, for me, it is really big.  I have only ever swum with them once, that being on an organised tour in Mocambique.  I asked her if she isn't afraid to go out that far on her own, and she said straight out, "you mustn't go into the ocean if you are in fear, you will carry that energy in with you."  We spoke a bit about it and I know there is no real logic in me feeling safer with another person out there in the big wide ocean, because really, what are they going to do if something comes along and grabs me?!  So I have huge admiration for her fearlessness and love of the ocean.

Then today, while walking on the beach, deep in thought, I turned around to check on my girls swimming in the sea.  There, not far from the shore, I saw the unmistakable gleaming grey-black figures of two graceful dolphins!!  And then I saw more! They were swimming playfully along and I just knew, I had to go out and try to get to them.  So I ran back along the beach as fast as I could, asking them to please wait for me and that I really, really wanted to swim with them. They were by no means in any hurry and seemed to be gliding along casually.  I got to my bag, quickly whipped off my clothes and pulled on my costume, not caring if anyone saw me getting unchanged (and anyway, it was early so there were only a few fisherman up ahead and a few surfer's kids.)   I grabbed my daughter's hand and said, "lets go swim with the dolphins!"  I could see she was frightened and excited.  "Will they, um, maybe bite me mom?  I know they have sharp teeth?"  I reassured her that it would be fine and that they wouldn't harm her.  My logic and her fear; the same as Zoe's logic and my fear?!

We ran to the water and dived straight in, swimming out as fast as we could, although I could sense my daughter was very hesitant.  I shouted out to my other daughter who was already in the water to join us. The two other kids heard me and there was so much excitement in the air. I also managed to get my hubby's attention as he was surfing at the time. He came and joined us and got my girls out to the sand bank to try and see the dolphins, but he said they were too far out for the girls.  My older daughter was visibly quite relieved. She had been saved! My hubby, not sensing my desperate need to get out to the dolphins, focused his attention on helping my younger daughter catch some waves on his surfboard.  So now it was just me on the sandbank, the breakers ahead and the dolphins beyond.  I was all fired up!!

So I started swimming out and managed to get under a few of those breakers, which weren't too bad at all.  But now, venturing out and leaving the 'safety' of company and the sandbank, my excitement, thrill and determination to get to those dolphins was slowly replaced by that sense of 'really being out there alone', my hubby's words of "too far out" and my own fears around the breakers crashing down on me. The dolphins were about 200 meters from me, not far at all I think, but far enough when you are out there on your own.  So l slowly let myself get washed back to the sand bank to contemplate and hopefully get my hubby to come out with me.  But he was busy with my youngest and I could see that she needed his help at that particular time.  I knew time was passing and that they wouldn't be there forever, but I just couldn't convince myself to go and when my hubby finally got to me, the dolphins had slowly started swimming away and then they were gone.  

I had missed my opportunity.  I sorely missed my friend Zoe  We could have gotten to them together for sure and she most definitely would have saved me from the 'big-bad-out-there-alone!'

It was so close ... almost!

Open Hearts, Open Eyes, Love and Magic

One of the things I really enjoy about traveling is the interesting people you meet along the way. On our recent trip to Namibia, we were lucky enough to meet Koos Vervey, owner of Eupa Falls Camp.  What an amazing man and what an amazing story.  We were told about him by some fellow travelers when asking for some advice about our route, and I first spotted him, walking slowly around the camp, holding the hand of his little adopted grand-daughter. We got chatting and he asked us what line of work we (my hubby and I) were both in and I have to say that I was secretly thrilled that he was more interested in my women's circle groups than my hubby's flying. I am so used to everyone being fascinated with my husband's job, and Koos, being an ex-military man, I assumed would launch into a discussion about planes and what not.  So it was really refreshing and exciting for me when he asked me all about the groups.  When hearing about some of the community projects he is involved in, I understood why.  

I was particularly touched by the one project he is still involved in and he shared it with me over coffee one morning as the sun was rising over the falls.  Here is the story in Koos' own words 

FOLLOW UP ON NDJINA
My story about this lady starts more than 20 years ago when visiting chief Kapika at Omuramba. She was always kept away from visitors but from time to time one had a glimpse of this woman. As the years progressed and I became more familiar in the village I had a better view. Enquiries did not really bring clarity; vague answers were given and I knew all the time that something was not right.

But with time I could get closer and although I was told that she was bewitched I realized that it was not what it was. She was certainly not mad. One could not follow her words at all but through the filth I detected a spirit that was not mad. Even the chains and wire did not take away her inner self.

But i simply had no idea what was wrong and just left it alone. Do not mix with the deeper community things and especially not with the sister of the chief.

I knew that everybody in the village was afraid of her and that they all avoided her. I also knew that she was literally fed like a dog with a bit of food and water. In days of little she was the last one to get the scraps.

When my roads crossed with my old school mate of the seventies after 36 years I had no idea that freedom for Ndjina was not too far away. And when we went to visit chief Kapika in October 2012 I still could not envisage that drama was to come; that she would be freed and will be a real person again.

That Sunday the two of us did a lot of brain storming but none of us had any idea about what was to come. November came and we saw the chief. I was a bit worried but then he took the wind completely out of us. We could proceed. Berrie came back and 12 December 2102 he took the chains off. When Ndjina came out from behind the bush curtain and walked nearly straight I could not believe my eyes. The care takers dressed her. She was human again.

The last evening of 2012 saw the whole village gathered at Epupa Falls campsite for the yearly big party. One of the most dramatic moments of my life was minutes away. I took her onto the dance floor and for a few minutes that whole meeting came to their feet. Ndjina was reborn.

She is eating properly, sleeping on a mattress, doing walks with the care takers. Nobody runs away from m her any longer. Kaviruru is sleeping next to her. The children at the village are around her. Her own children are proud of her. The story has spread all over Kaoko. The spirit that I noticed all the time has come to life again.

To see this wonderful lady today is for us who know the background very special. She has status, she is a grand lady. Berrie is teaching his caretakers how to work with her.

Not too long ago I bumped into a famous sendeling who is in the area for many years. He knew about her but nothing else. After he heard the story he asked me what medicine we are giving her. LOVE AND PROPER CARE. THIS he could not believe.

And all the time we are learning. She is the first person out of the African bush with Alzheimer’s. The first in Africa. The first on my road. And i came to love this old woman. Through her so many more roads has opened for me; so much more deepness and richness in my life.

This lady in chains does not know what is happening; she has no idea what is too follow and for that matter none of us really know where the road of Ndjina will take us. But we know a few things.

She was very far from broken after 20 years in chains and now she is free. She has guts, tremendous inner energy to survive all this takes a very special person; maybe a replica of Uncle Nelson.

Her strength has and will enrich many people over the years to come.

Her image we pray will become the symbol for Africans with Alzheimer’s.

And she has given and will continue to give me a sense belonging; belonging to a very small minority of himba nomads.

Here's a little more from Koos' friend Berrie Holthauzen (who started the first Alzheimer's Home in Namibia) about the day Ndjina was set free ...


With the arrival of Koos we could finish setting up the tent. We could cut her chains, remove all the old straps and provided her a nice big bath. (I brought along about 100l of water in plastic drums). The three care workers (also trained by us) gave her a bath and new, clean materials to be used as a dress that I bought yesterday in a tin hut at Epupa for N$35 per meter. Four meters of fabric and 2 dresses – the most she’s ever had in the last 20 years. She even slept on the ground because the skin she use to sleep on got too dirty and should have been burned a long time ago.

FREE AT LAST, THANK God free at last…
clean and newly dressed after 20 years. 12/12/12  

12-12-12 has been one of the most beautiful days in my life even when I consider that I had a spade instead of my toilet, that I had to sleep on the backseat of my double cab truck, have to sit under a Mopani and type for dear life with a very quick fading battery, without any possibility of cell phone reception or a fridge with cold water or beer… I had the opportunity to see a person freed from chains. And I know that 12-12-12 only comes along every 100 years.

Doesn't this story just touch your heart?  

Koos also shared with us that at the staff party, Ndjina came up to him on the 'dance floor' and placed some of his favourite local berries into his shirt pocket.  It is moments like those he said, that bring magic to his life.  I also learned that along with Ndjina, they managed to free another woman, called Kaputu, from chains because of Alzheimers.  Apparently, through superstition and a lack of understanding, 'witch camps' and stoning of women with any form of dementia occur regularly in Nigeria, Ghana and Namibia.  It is so heartbreaking and such a tragedy, when as Koos said, all they need is "love and the same environment' in which they grew up in.  It really is just what the world needs, what we all need, "love."

This to me was all mind blowing, coming from an ex-military man and from a 'staunch right-wing upbringing' as he put it.  He spoke about 'opening your heart' and 'opening your eyes,' love and magic and so of course he was the hero of my trip to Namibia.  (Not that he needs to be a hero.) I love people's stories and the story of this man's journey in life and the meaning he has found in it, completely captivated me and so this blog post is dedicated to all the magical and loving work he has been doing in Namibia these many years.  It was an honor to meet you.

Thank you Koos

Here is a link to the Alzheimer's Home in Yacandonga if you would like to read more about it.

Off the Grid

We've got no electricity at the moment and it reminds me of how I've been off the grid of my blog for a while!! I've really missed it.  

My mom's been very unwell ;  in and out of hospital and the circumstances leading up to it very scary and heartbreaking.  So I have been very involved in helping her this last month.  It almost feels like a small bomb has gone off in my life, changing its landscape completely, and I am in survival mode doing bits here and there, dealing with the most urgent things as they crop up. It's quite a radical comparison, but my life as I knew it before my dad died a year ago,  has changed irrevocably, especially being the only child.  I've been dealing with my mom's incredible heartsore, loss, the sale of her flat, her admin, her idiosyncrasies and now also her ill health. Not only that, but also the loss for me of my very special dad, the sad circumstances leading up to his death, and all that that brings with it.  Then there is also the sense of a loss of the carefree child.  Now the responsibility lies on me with regard to my mom. Things like banking, investments, healthcare, legal documents, housing, travel, insurance, etc have all fallen into my lap. Things that are not really my strength or my joy but that take up huge time. I know it's the norm in many places and cultures to take in a parent and care for them,  but it definitely requires an adjustment to your life, mindset and time. It's the shift from being 'the child' to now being the adult child.  

I guess beforehand I was really fortunate as my folks were phenomenal with our kids;  when we were still in Johannesburg they often had the kids over, or helped with lifts to school or extra murals while we worked and then when the kids were a bit older, they took them for the odd few days while my hubby and I traveled.  But that resource has now gone and it too is a huge loss, for both the kids and us. 

Then there is also my mother's deep, deep grief .   That has been very painful to taste and see, especially not being able to help. It feels like I am standing on a boat in this rocky stage of her life,  throwing a lifeline out to her, and she reaches out and grabs it, but then a wave of deep grief knocks it right out of her hands again and she starts sinking. So I throw it out to her again and she weakly reaches out to grab it and the whole process starts all over again.  And all I can keep doing, is to throw out that life line! Either she'll eventually manage to hang on to it or the relentless waves of her grief will take her down with them.

So in essence, I have also been off the grid of my own independent, though not totally carefree life, for a long while now and I really miss that too. I miss my dad; I miss the care freeness of just being the child with strong, healthy parents; I miss having my folks as I knew them and I miss doing the things that I really enjoy doing or rather, I miss doing them in a consistent flow rather than the stop-start stop-start of it all.  At times it has also been very frustrating and taxing, especially the distance, as my parents have been in Johannesburg all this time, so my heart, time and energy have been split in two places and between two families; my own and my parents. 

Being somewhat of a hermit in my being, all of this is deeply challenging for me as I could quite easily just disappear into my own space and be very content just doing my own thing all day long; an only child's indulgence!  Yet, despite  all that, and despite all her idiosyncrasies, I have also enjoyed caring for my mom and I discovered this week that the very act of just washing her hair for her and styling it for her has been immensely gratifying and nourishing. 

And so, where to from here, I don't know? We've been taking it just one day at a time and that in itself is new to me.  I guess it's time for a new kind of grid and a new kind of normal. 

"Endings and Beginnings" by Redi Thlabi

I've just finished reading Redi Tlhabi's book "Endings and Beginnings" for which she won the 2013 Alon Paton award. When we lived in Johannesburg, I used to really enjoy her 702 morning talk show and so I was intrigued to find out more about her and the story she wrote.  

I was very moved by the story of her as an 11 year old girl and what she experienced. Though she is younger than me, it made me very aware of how different her life as a young girl growing up in Soweto, Johannesburg was to mine.  I also grew up in Johannesburg, but in the suburbs, not too far from where she lived. While there is the obvious difference of lack of resources and access to basic necessities such as proper housing, sanitation, running water and electricity, for me the stark difference was in what these children were exposed to at such a young age; violence, gangsters, the loss of innocence and the fear of walking home from school in case one was violated by thugs.  My eldest daughter turns 11 this year, the same age Redi was when she talks about her life in Soweto and there is such a strong contrast in the two lives as well as that of my own. My big fears at that age were failing a test or exam and not doing well in my swimming competitions!  My concerns for my girls are the same; doing well at school and sport; growing up to be responsible and emotionally intelligent adults and making sure they follow their dreams.  
The book also begs of me the question, how can two such extreme societies and lives exist in the same town?  How is that even remotely possible?  How could my life coexist at the same time as these children and yet be so unbelievably different. How come I knew nothing about this?  Sadly this was and still is the reality of South Africa and many places of the world today. Still, these extreme opposites exist in my world, the difference is that I am aware of it, but am not able to change it. My domestic worker and her family face the same fear returning home from work everyday, that Redi did as a young child returning home from school.  Rape is such a common widespread crime in South Africa and sadly it is still the victim that bears the curse and brunt of it in their communities. It's insane.  My domestic worker still today has no access to proper housing or ablution facilities yet she arrives every weekday to her job looking impeccable and brings such joy and laughter into my home. How she does it I don't know.  She is a complete blessing to our family and I am so grateful to her, yet I cannot change her family and friends' circumstances.

The book also stirs in the me the discomfort of the ugliness of the world we live in and how that can even find a place in this world?  While I totally agree with Redi's ideas about how the lack of love; how shame, ridicule and isolation feeds and grows these 'monsters' and how poorly women are viewed in our society, I still wonder at the universe and people and how all of this can happen.

Then underlying it all for me is truth.  Had the truth been spoken and had people's truth been honoured and respected, this tragedy would not have happened.  To me this is what underpins life; truth, to yourself and others.  I really admire Redi for taking the courage to speak the truth of what lay in her heart.

Here is a video clip of an interview Redi did with the Mail & Guardian about her book.

The Desire Map Retreat

Last week, four of us took ourselves off to the magnificent Buddhist Retreat Centre in Ixopo for a three day retreat.  Here's what it looked like ... yoga mats, cameras, pillows, books, coloured pens, journals, The Desire Map ...

All packed and ready to go ...

 My beautiful serene room ... ah simplicity!

Magnificent nature all around us ...

Danielle Laporte's "The Desire Map" to guide us on our inward journey and snacks, tea and coffee to keep us going ...

A fire to warm us ...

The Labyrinth and walks to contemplate ...

A sanctuary to hold us ...

Delicious food to nourish and replenish us ...

And the magic unveiled and its charm enfolded us ...

I left feeling enchanted, spacious and nourished.

I left feeling immersed in life and immensely grateful for our bravery, honesty and realness with each other and for the magic of the friendship we have kindled over the past two years.  

I left feeling very blessed.

Chasing a life that doesn't belong to you

My friend Laura watched an Oprah interview with Caroline Myss the other day and wrote down this sentence.  It is one of those collection of words that gives me goosebumps.  

She said, "People suffer when they pursue a dream or chase a life that doesn't belong to them."   

I just love the words ... " a life that doesn't belong to them."  You can replace 'them' with 'me', and say " a life that doesn't belong to me."  How does that feel in your body when you say that? I pondered that this morning and it took me to all kinds of places and to nowhere and then back full circle. Here are some of the thoughts that came up for me when writing about it.

My first thought was that it doesn't really apply to me because I am doing so many of my joys; I am doing a writing course; working on personal growth retreats and workshops; blogging; running my women's circles; working through books like the Firestarter Sessions and of course my yoga which I try to do three times a week. So I am really into all the stuff that makes my heart sing.  And as I went deeper and deeper into it, and the writing took me all over and then even to a part where I said, "this feels like its fucking going nowhere," I finally got to the bottom line.  I wrote "a life that doesn't belong to me is one where I am just too busy fighting the reality that I don't have the space for all I want to do even though I have such a burning desire to do it all!" So there's a revelation brought to light!  I might be doing all the stuff that makes my heart sing, but then that joy is eroded by the angst of trying to pack it all in; by the irritation at my family because I have to look after them; by not getting enough sleep because I didn't get to read my book today; by shallow breathing because I am so busy rushing; by not having enough time for my husband and our relationship and by feeling that everyone including my little old dog and my feisty cats are eroding my time!  Wow.  So I will quietly step off that pedestal and take back those first thoughts, and be grateful for the insight into the angst I have been feeling of late.  I can't say I have the answer as to how to fix that all, but I have something to work with, gently, as my friend Anne says.

What also came to light for me, were all kinds ideas about my life such as studying something that didn't belong to me; being the kind of mommy that doesn't belong to me; doing work that doesn't belong to me and doing the type of community work that doesn't belong to me.  All of these kinds of lives and roles, have left me feeling out place and less than, more times than I can contemplate.  I wish I could say that all of that happened years ago; but I bow my head and gently shake it.

Finally, a sentence in my writing piece that also stood out for me is, "How about 'chasing a life for my children that doesn't belong to me?'"  Oooh!  My perceptions of how their life should unfold and what they should be doing has also brought huge angst for me; their lives do not belong to me. How I would like them to perform on the sports field, at school, socially and in life may not be a life that belongs to me, that is destined for me.  Another biggie for me.

So pondering this statement has been a really worthwhile exercise for me to do. Thank you Caroline Myss and Laura.

Labyrinth

I absolutely love walking a labyrinth and my most favourite (I say that only having walked a few in my life) is the one at Boondocks Mountain Lodge and Labyrinth, Boondocks, in the Mpumalanga Province in South Africa.  It is run by the nurturing, humorous, interesting, spiritual and fascinating couple, Ann and Stuart.  

It is set next to a little stream running into a beautiful dam built by Stuart under some really beautiful and powerful trees.  There is a magic to this labyrinth and although I have not been there for 2 years now, I am hoping to go back next year and have some special time on the labyrinth.  The story of how Stuart built the labyrinth is a fascinating one - all about faith and trust and just makes the labyrinth all that more special.  I hope you get to go there and experience the beauty of it yourselves

In the meantime, on this, my late father's 70th birthday, I share this labyrinth with you... Virtual Labyrinth

Much love,
Pascale

Tao Te Ching ...

I think this is beautiful ...

Tao Te Ching: Chapter 29
translated by Stephen Mitchell (1988)

Do you want to improve the world?
I don’t think it can be done.

The world is sacred.
It can’t be improved.
If you tamper with it, you’ll ruin it.
If you treat it like an object, you’ll lose it.

There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.

The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle.